Thursday, November 22, 2018

Wellness Update Baseline - Pt 5: Mental Health

I'm a mess. A lot of it is rationalized by the previous 4 entries, but I frequently wonder if cause and effect are reversed.

Week before last I thought about killing myself again. I find having Eli (my cat) around with no real contingency plan if I should die is a good enough reason to keep living. Suicidal thoughts seem to pop up a few times a year. In talking to a friend of mine, I found they think about it a few times a month. I consider myself getting off light.

I've gone on about this quite a bit on Facebook. Part of the idea of this wellness update series to help me vent smaller issues before I boil over into a mess of self-hate/self-pity. I've been journaling on my phone a bit, but I'm hoping these posts will get a few voyeurs to hold me accountable to doing it. I've been paying for the domain, might as well use it right?

So, here's where I start giving way too much detail about how I ended up here. Tune out now. You're going to learn about my dick if you keep reading. Come back next time for less discussion of my dong.

I lost a bunch of weight during my divorce. Anxiety and a spat of alcoholism caused ~30 pounds to fall away. I started getting laid regularly, then I got comfortable. I got back to gaining. And gaining. Eventually I reached a new high of 352 lbs.

When you're fat, like for reals fat, you lose about an inch of penis for every 20-40 pounds you put on. I've never been remarkably well endowed, but at my fattest it was a joke. I lost all interest in sex. Pursuit of my other hobbies fell by the wayside shortly after. Eventually I felt like I was just being an asshole by stringing along my girlfriend so I broke it off (there were other reasons, but that's not relevant here). I've lost 40 lbs since then, and while I think my dick is adequate for the job, I'm keeping it holstered to avoid falling in the same trap as last time.

However, my interest in sex is starting to return. So now it's an active choice. On the rare occasion a woman hits on me, it's an act of will to say "Thanks, but not right now." I have a strong desire to participate in intercourse-adjacent activities. So I find myself back on dating websites and hookup/chat places... only I'm looking for a female friend. Boy do platonic conversations not go great there. I hear a lot of women say they don't want a guy to start talking about sex pretty quickly on a dating website but... that has not been my experience. Maybe my personality just sucks.

So, sexual desire is coming back, but it's more of a hassle than a source of comfort. At some point I'm going to realize how long it's been since I've had sex and I'm going to wig out. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet. I should probably see to getting laid before that happens.

For several years I've had a crush on a friend. I've talked about it here previously, actually. Well, that friendship feels like it's suffering because of my crush. Until two weeks ago, it never resolved and that sucked. So I forced it closed. I told my friend why I found her attractive, acknowledged that she wasn't doing anything to lead me on. I apologized for acting uncouthly and expressed an interest in being better friends with her while closing the door on anything sexual or romantic. She said that was what she wanted. From where I sit, nothing has changed for the better; and it might be worse. But communication from her has been shitty forever, so.. I don't know. I'm trying to deal with that tinge of rejection while also dealing with the uncertainty that I might have detonated a valuable friendship. It's frustrating, and part of me wants to walk away. The other part wonders if this is depression making me feel useless and isolated.

Work. Since last I blogged I was reorged. I am now the guy in charge of chatbots and ai at my company. You might recognize those as two very different disciplines. and they are. I'm currently focused on getting something useful out of the chatbot. After that (during that?) I need to get to work on studying AI modeling tools. I have a general understanding on how to build models, but my hands on experience is limited. Still, I'm comfortable in knowing what the process will vaguely look like and that puts me way ahead of anyone else. Should feel good about that, right?

Well, not really. Every thing that should take a few hours to do is dragging out for days. Part of that is me dragging my feet when I don't 100% know how to solve a problem. Part of that is getting management and stakeholders to line up. It's typical work frustrations, I guess. But it triggers the impostor syndrome and makes me question my career path.

I'm handing off a project I spent 5 years working on exclusively. It's currently in a train wreck state, and the idea of someone else looking at that code makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I'm hours from being found out, revealed as a fraud. I'll tell you about my small dick, but showing you my professional code makes me feel exposed. I guess that's because one I have very little control over, and the other is a central part of who I am? I dunno, insecurities are weird.

The longer I live in Minneapolis the more convinced I become that I will not find a close friend here. It's been over a decade since I've had a friend that I'd get intoxicated with and be able to talk to about anything. I have friends that I trust. Friends that I will tell things to, but none that I feel I impact at all. I long for the ability to walk in the door, make a call (or not) and have someone down for whatever. I think I put too much of this role on my ex-wife. I abandoned my close friends to pursue that relationship (to be fair, most of my close friends spread across the country around the same time). Right now, the nearest person I see in that role lives a state away. It's not great.

So that's me. That's where I'm at. I'm working on all the pieces. It's a lot of plates to spin. But I have a general plan. I know where the problems are, and I'm doing something about them. I'll report progress on Friday, if I don't do a smaller update before then.