Friday, December 14, 2018

Wellness Update - 12/14/18

Now Playing: King City - Slow Season
Now Drinking: Coke Zero and Water, not mixed. Obviously.

Social Life: Nonexistent this week. I got sick, canceled Tuesday plans. I did meet up with a friend briefly yesterday. Started making more of an effort to be involved in the local Pokemon Go community. Maybe that'll pay dividends later. My D&D game was good, but I think I'm about done being a player. The guy who's running this thinks there's two-four more sessions left. I'm kind of anxious to get back in the DM's chair.

Tomorrow I'm going to a buddy's place. Should be a couple regulars there.

Exercise: Is coughing an exercise? That's about all I did. I've upped my step count a bit this week, but I'm still way low. I've gotten to the point where I feel like I'm in shape, but that clearly isn't true yet. I noticed anytime fitness is open 24/7 and they're getting a branch a few blocks from me. That'd be great for insomnia nights, but I haven't had one of those in a bit. I'm holding out hope that the Lifetime Fitness that's coming in a few months will be 24/7. I sorta doubt it will be. I guess I'll wait until after the New Years gym rush is over and make a decision then.

Overall: Everything else has been pretty flat due to sickness.

Monday, December 10, 2018

Wellness Update - 12/10/18

It's my birthday, woo!

Social: I did alright this week. I was out with people four nights last week. I'm pretty sure I didn't screw anything up too badly. Hu-ray. I think I'm going to be out on Tuesday. I have no other plans this week. I might try to meet up with someone over the weekend, but I don't know. I feel like I'm pushing myself on people a bit aggressively; it might be wise to take a break.

Weight Loss: I packed on 8lbs over the weekend, I'm planning to eat some pizza today, then it's back to the diet. I think most of this weight will go away pretty fast.

Exercise: I hit my goal of a set made up of 30 inverted rows. My next goal will be 45 rows in a set.

I'll try to update on time this week. There's no scheduled outings on Friday to distract me.

Thursday, December 6, 2018

Cheeseburger Fondue (half-assed recipe)

Okay, this was a bad idea I had. It came out okay. I'm going to tell you how to make it. I ate it with a spoon, but if you're not doing keto you could do chips and control your portion that way. I don't have nutrition information figured out, but this thing is full of fat.



Ingredients

  • 2lb 80/20 ground beef
  • 2 bell peppers (one red and one green, because colors)
  • 2 chili peppers
  • Your choice of shredded cheese. I used Mexican, cheddar, and mozzarella. Get creative with it.
  • 1-2 table spoon of cream cheese per serving
  • Salt, black pepper, garlic powder. Whatever, you know how to season beef.
Instructions
  1. Heat up a pan lubed up with olive oil.
  2. Start browning your beef.
  3. While that's going dice those peppers and chilis up
  4. Drain the beef after it's most of the way browned. Season the beef. Mix in the peppers. Return to the stove and mix it around a bit. Get the bell peppers slightly less tender than you would normally.
  5. Throw your cream cheese into a bowl. Toss it into the microwave for 30 seconds.
  6. Stir in your shredded cheese
  7. Nuke the cheese another 30 seconds. It should be a stringy goop when it's done.
  8. Mix a few lumps of beef/peppers into your cheese goop. 
  9. Stir until it looks something like to picture. Microwave more if you have to.
  10. Shovel it into your face. You'll be full for a while. It might be your only meal for the day. 

Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Inverted Rows Success

I just did a set of 10-10-10. I am very proud of myself. My arms aren't happy. Boy, are they going to be pissed Friday when I push for 10-15-10.

Friday, November 30, 2018

Wellness Update - 11/30/18

I'm still dancing around how I want to format these posts. I'd prefer more structure than a free form journal entry. I guess let's break it down by category?

Now Playing: Greta Van Fleet - From the Fires

Now Drinking: Knob Creek single barrel "reserve" and Coke Zero; 1:3 ratio.

Overall: I fell a bit short of my expectations this week. But hey, I can try again next time right?

Work: I have to go to the boss man's office on Wednesday to talk about my projects with India. It's not clear to me why. My request for context has gone unanswered. So of course I'm thinking they're going to offshore the projects I've been working months on out of the blue. Brains are good at sensing danger, I guess.

Social: Eeeh, nothing big happened this week. I talked to more people online, several with the intention of meeting up in the real world at some undefined future point. I got it in to my head to log exactly how much a friend talks to me when we hang out. It feels like she's just present, and everyone else does the conversational lifting. I'm not sure if that's a me thing or a her thing. I'm not enough of a sociopath to do it, but it's probably something I'll notice more frequently going forward whether I want to or not.

Creative: I didn't memorize the "Smoke on the Water" lead, but I can play it fairly accurately. My bends on the B string are still all over the place. I'm pretty sure I'm over bending, but it's hard for me to tell in the moment. I'll keep working on it.

I did a little twitch streaming, not much to mention there.

I've got a craw up my butt to use my 3d printer more. I've asked around for cosplayers and LARPers to ask me to make props. I have a tentative taker, and a few people who're talking like they're interested. The problem with not doing complete costumes is I'm reliant on other people's imitative. But that's part of the point. This could be a collaborative and somewhat social hobby. I think that's good. I'm going to find some decent 3d modeling software tonight and try to make something for goofs. Wish me luck.

Romance/Sex: My self loathing and general thirst are about even. I should probably see to getting laid. I have no plans and I don't expect to go trolling. Hopefully the celibacy can continue until I'm in a healthier place.

Weight Loss: I had hoped to shed 6lbs last week. I managed 4ish. Whatever, it's better than nothing. Way better than gaining.

Exercise: Not walking isn't going to be tenable. My legs and ass hurt from sitting around. There's going to be a Lifetime Fitness opening near me in a few months. I'd like to hold out until I can get a membership there. But I should probably take my recent raise, point most of it at my HSA, and get my ass to the Lifetime I have access to today.

Yesterday I did a set of 6-10-6 at the super-inclined inverted rows. A few minutes later I did a second set of 6-8-6. I'm pretty happy with this. I'd like to get a set with a total of 30 rows in by the next post.

Financial: This is on my mind a lot every other Friday. I'm trending positive, but my net worth is still super in the red. Most of that is my mortgage, then my student loans. But credit cards are higher than I'd like. I'm hoping to pay around $700 a month on one until the balance is zeroed out, then move on to the next. I want to be in a position to zero out my balances every month. The amazon card might be the most difficult. Baby steps. First goal is to take the minimum monthly payment down to under $100 on everything. From there I'll pay off the lowest balance card and work my way up. Having fewer monthly expenses would be better, I think. If nothing else, it's less weighing on my mind. I understand I'll pay more with this approach. My not-even-back-of-the-envelope calculations ballpark this as a three year project. About the same time as my car and debt consolidation loan will be paid off. It'll be a good year for disposable income. Hell, my 401k might even hit reasonable numbers.

Sunday, November 25, 2018

Keto "Trail Mix"

I am perpetually lazy. I'm not great at making meals for myself. Here's a quick snack that takes about 5 minutes to prep for a week's worth of eating.


Cube the cheese if needed, then mix all ingredients together. Package about 4 ounces of mix into sandwich bags and refrigerate. In my experience they stay good 5-6 days. 

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Wellness Update Baseline - Pt 5: Mental Health

I'm a mess. A lot of it is rationalized by the previous 4 entries, but I frequently wonder if cause and effect are reversed.

Week before last I thought about killing myself again. I find having Eli (my cat) around with no real contingency plan if I should die is a good enough reason to keep living. Suicidal thoughts seem to pop up a few times a year. In talking to a friend of mine, I found they think about it a few times a month. I consider myself getting off light.

I've gone on about this quite a bit on Facebook. Part of the idea of this wellness update series to help me vent smaller issues before I boil over into a mess of self-hate/self-pity. I've been journaling on my phone a bit, but I'm hoping these posts will get a few voyeurs to hold me accountable to doing it. I've been paying for the domain, might as well use it right?

So, here's where I start giving way too much detail about how I ended up here. Tune out now. You're going to learn about my dick if you keep reading. Come back next time for less discussion of my dong.

I lost a bunch of weight during my divorce. Anxiety and a spat of alcoholism caused ~30 pounds to fall away. I started getting laid regularly, then I got comfortable. I got back to gaining. And gaining. Eventually I reached a new high of 352 lbs.

When you're fat, like for reals fat, you lose about an inch of penis for every 20-40 pounds you put on. I've never been remarkably well endowed, but at my fattest it was a joke. I lost all interest in sex. Pursuit of my other hobbies fell by the wayside shortly after. Eventually I felt like I was just being an asshole by stringing along my girlfriend so I broke it off (there were other reasons, but that's not relevant here). I've lost 40 lbs since then, and while I think my dick is adequate for the job, I'm keeping it holstered to avoid falling in the same trap as last time.

However, my interest in sex is starting to return. So now it's an active choice. On the rare occasion a woman hits on me, it's an act of will to say "Thanks, but not right now." I have a strong desire to participate in intercourse-adjacent activities. So I find myself back on dating websites and hookup/chat places... only I'm looking for a female friend. Boy do platonic conversations not go great there. I hear a lot of women say they don't want a guy to start talking about sex pretty quickly on a dating website but... that has not been my experience. Maybe my personality just sucks.

So, sexual desire is coming back, but it's more of a hassle than a source of comfort. At some point I'm going to realize how long it's been since I've had sex and I'm going to wig out. Thankfully that hasn't happened yet. I should probably see to getting laid before that happens.

For several years I've had a crush on a friend. I've talked about it here previously, actually. Well, that friendship feels like it's suffering because of my crush. Until two weeks ago, it never resolved and that sucked. So I forced it closed. I told my friend why I found her attractive, acknowledged that she wasn't doing anything to lead me on. I apologized for acting uncouthly and expressed an interest in being better friends with her while closing the door on anything sexual or romantic. She said that was what she wanted. From where I sit, nothing has changed for the better; and it might be worse. But communication from her has been shitty forever, so.. I don't know. I'm trying to deal with that tinge of rejection while also dealing with the uncertainty that I might have detonated a valuable friendship. It's frustrating, and part of me wants to walk away. The other part wonders if this is depression making me feel useless and isolated.

Work. Since last I blogged I was reorged. I am now the guy in charge of chatbots and ai at my company. You might recognize those as two very different disciplines. and they are. I'm currently focused on getting something useful out of the chatbot. After that (during that?) I need to get to work on studying AI modeling tools. I have a general understanding on how to build models, but my hands on experience is limited. Still, I'm comfortable in knowing what the process will vaguely look like and that puts me way ahead of anyone else. Should feel good about that, right?

Well, not really. Every thing that should take a few hours to do is dragging out for days. Part of that is me dragging my feet when I don't 100% know how to solve a problem. Part of that is getting management and stakeholders to line up. It's typical work frustrations, I guess. But it triggers the impostor syndrome and makes me question my career path.

I'm handing off a project I spent 5 years working on exclusively. It's currently in a train wreck state, and the idea of someone else looking at that code makes me feel incredibly vulnerable. I'm hours from being found out, revealed as a fraud. I'll tell you about my small dick, but showing you my professional code makes me feel exposed. I guess that's because one I have very little control over, and the other is a central part of who I am? I dunno, insecurities are weird.

The longer I live in Minneapolis the more convinced I become that I will not find a close friend here. It's been over a decade since I've had a friend that I'd get intoxicated with and be able to talk to about anything. I have friends that I trust. Friends that I will tell things to, but none that I feel I impact at all. I long for the ability to walk in the door, make a call (or not) and have someone down for whatever. I think I put too much of this role on my ex-wife. I abandoned my close friends to pursue that relationship (to be fair, most of my close friends spread across the country around the same time). Right now, the nearest person I see in that role lives a state away. It's not great.

So that's me. That's where I'm at. I'm working on all the pieces. It's a lot of plates to spin. But I have a general plan. I know where the problems are, and I'm doing something about them. I'll report progress on Friday, if I don't do a smaller update before then.