Monday, January 2, 2017

Dealing with infatuation

Before I knew about polyamory I was very much a one woman sorta guy. If I started to crush on a woman while I was in a relationship, she was out of my life until I sorted it out. It's been close to two years since my last monogamous relationship. Half of that time has been spent fantasizing about a particular woman to various degrees.  Previously, biological imperatives would pull me along to the next crush. Now I don't feel that need to move my attention along.

Since my previous strategies for dealing with crushes were substitution or avoidance, I am pretty sure I've been doing a bad job of treating potential romantic interests as humans. Let me talk about my current situation a bit.

I have some backbone, I talked to this woman about my feelings. We got wasted together one night. Things seemed promising. I pressed to meet up again when we were sober. It never lined up for one-on-one meetings. I took the hint and stopped chasing her.

At this point I realize I'm more interested in the idea of her. The sex acts I know she's in to always play out in my head the way I want them to; I have no idea what the reality would be. I enjoy spending time with her when we do hang out in a group setting, but I don't know what an actual relationship would be like. Yet in my head I have built her up to a great fit into my life; and I slot into hers just as well.

I've been attempting to avoid new relationships while I sort out my feelings with this woman (along with some other reasons) but... I've lost a year to it.

So now I need to figure out how to deescalate my emotions for this person while staying engaged as a friend. It's a new trick for this old dog. I am going to attempt to focus on aspects of her personality that I don't find attractive for a while in an attempt to deconstruct my idealized version of her.

How do you deal with lingering infatuations?