Sunday, January 8, 2017

Damnable Ethics (Or: Uber driver confession) (Or: This never happens to me, but...)

I drive for Uber part time to knock out some bills. I had no plans tonight, so to the streets I go.

The night was pretty good. The later it got the drunker, and less punctual/coherent/cool my fares became. Three dudes ping me for a ride. It takes them 15 minutes to get in to the car... I'm glad I waited. They wanted to go from downtown Minneapolis to Burnsville  which is a 20 mile trip. Great money. Hurray.

I drop them off after enduring them complain about a friend not hooking up with some lady. It was 1:15, there was still time to make some money, I just needed to get back downtown. A fare came in from Apple Valley. Not where I wanted to be, but whatever. Money is money.

This dude was the worst. He took 4.5 minutes to come out (we're encouraged to bail after waiting for 5 minutes) - then he needed to wait for his friend. Then he tried to offer me cash to take his friends someplace else, which is illegal and one of the few things I can do to get fired as an Uber driver. I nearly kicked him out of the car, but as it was getting to that point he was suddenly ready to go... after I agreed to run him through Taco Bell. During the ride he started talking shit about some black people he encountered. There was a lot of 'I'm not racist, but...'s in his diatribe. The place he wanted to be dropped off was a block away from the address he entered. Homie needs to get his shit together.

Once that guy was out of my car it was 2 am. I missed the better rates downtown, and was slightly upset about it. A ping came in from a bar called Wild Bill that was fairly close to me. I pulled in and noticed a pair of attractive women in the crowd, mid twenties to early thirties. They shouted at drunks who said drunk things. I smiled, then texted my fair. One of the attractive women looks at her phone and walks toward me. This trip is already better than the last.

They both climbed in, the olive skinned brunette got in the front seat.

The woman in the front seat asked "So is this your number? The 508 <whatever>."

"No, that's a proxie number." I didn't think she understood, but I wanted to assure her she was in the right car. I added, "I did send the text that said 'This is your Uber, I'm parked in front of the bar.'"

"Okay, good!"

We made some more small talk and one of them asks how my passengers have been tonight.

"Well... you two are good. You're both fine by me." I may have emphasized the word 'fine' a little harder than I wanted to consciously.

The brunette caught my accidental flirt. "We're not good," she replied wickedly. I tried to keep it light, and pretend I didn't notice the invitation there.

"Oh, well I guess you guys aren't good! I'd better get you out fast."

The lady in the back cries out, "What? We're good! Who told you we weren't good?!"

"It's just something I heard. Someone told me you two were bad. It came over the CB here." (I don't have a CB. I probably should get one, seems fun.)

The brunette and her friend talk a little bit, as if she were trying to bring her friend in on tone she was trying to establish. It didn't stick.

The woman in back said "Well that's not true! We're good."

The brunette replied to me, "Okay, well then I'm not good."

I smiled at her, she smiled back. I like this lady; she seems fun.

We got to their destination with little fuss. The passenger in back got out, and the brunette lingered a minute. "So, what do I need to do?" she asked.

"Nothing, you're all set!"

"Really, you don't want anything? A blowjob maybe?"

I looked her over, hopefully I projected a sense of mischief. Without missing a beat, "I'd love a blowjob. Call me when you're sober."

"Haha, I was kidding! Thanks for the ride." She wasn't kidding. She didn't have my number, even if she thought she did. Damn. I need to carry business cards.

I decided to call it a night there, my evening wasn't going to get better. Now I'm home alone, no blowjob, and nothing to do but play guitar and rub one out thinking of what might have been if I had fewer morals.